car accident

It's been a while,
This past Sunday I was in a car accident.
Last weekend I went to Tuscaloosa AL to see my son and to get certified to become a Zumba instructor.
I arrived on Thursday afternoon, spent the day cleaning Ty's apartment. Which he said was already cleaned. Friday morning I went to my class at 8:00am and Tyler picked me up at 6:00pm. Long day. Saturday we just hung out. Sunday morning a friend of his picked me up to take me to Birmingham to catch my flight home. She was going to Birmingham to shop so it made since to catch a ride.
As we got off the exit to the airport we took a right instead of left to try and find a place to grab something to eat. We had about 45 minutes till I needed to check in. We were both looking for a sign or something to give us options on where to eat.
I said "we are going through a red light" I looked to my right and saw a car coming and before I could even say anything we got t-boned, on my side. We then spun around and hit a telephone poll head on, on my side.
I am alright. A little banged up but ALIVE. Lots of people have told me that I am really lucky and I think so too.
Life can change on a dime. People's life's change on a dime all the time. When something like this happens it really makes you think of the "what ifs"
If I were to have left this place on earth last Sunday would I have left my children with all that they would need to know about growing and become strong, healthy and happy adults? Do my parents know how much I appreciated the life the had provided for me? Do my friends know that they are my true friends and that I love and appreciate the time we spend together. Does my husband know that I am still after 16 years of being together still very much in-love with him? Do my sisters know how much they mean to me, even when maybe we aren't all getting along so perfectly?
How about you? Do the important people in your lives know really how you feel about them?

My baby Hannah

My baby...
I went to the doctors with my 3 babies and asked the dr to give me something to start my period. I was late and for heaven sake couldn't figure out why. "Nothing to worry about my doctor said, your not pregnant but before I give you this prescription we need to draw blood just to be sure."
The next morning my phone rang..."hello" "hi, Jody. First off let me start by telling you that the nurses and I drew straws for whom was going to make this call and well I lost. Your pregnant" I was a little taken back, cried for a little, took a nap with the other 3 babies then woke up and went on with life. I was 24 with 4 babies all under the age of 4.
Hannah was an awesome baby. Only cried when either Alexis tried to brush her hair (she had no hair) or Kelsey slapped her because she was in her cradle and when Tyler would snatch her pacifier and take off running.
She was so small. She only weighed 6 lbs. Such a difference between the other girls that were 7 and Tyler well we can't compare him because he weighed just about 10lbs.
Because of this separation that I asked for from her dad Hannah went to live with him at the age of 4. (again when i feel the time is right I will write about this time of my life, just not ready) She lived with her dad full time for 3 years without me. I visited as much as I could, mostly on the weekends our switch was tough when it was time for them to go back to there dads and never got easier.
When my King kids moved back to Loveland Hannah was entering into the 3rd grade.
Hannah took her time "reconnecting" with me. I wanted to be close and have a good relationship with Hannah but it wasn't easy. She took her time warming up to me and realizing that I was here in her life for good. I was patient with hopes it would work it self out.
I'm pretty sure it all worked out. I feel that Hannah and I are pretty close and really enjoy a mother daughter relationship. We did lots of cheerleading together, shopping, eating out and just hanging out at home. We shared a lot of gossip. She couldn't wait to share with me and I too liked to "adult" gossip with her.
We had lots of time together her senior year in high school. All the other kids were gone and Donnie was on the road a lot. We would work out together then rush home for either Monday night Bachelor or Tuesday night Biggest Loser. Wednesday night survivor. We were simple and I loved every minute of it. She did her own thing too. She didn't really have lots of rules and could pretty much come and go as she pleased.
Today Hannah is a freshmen in college. She is smart, loving, caring, and beautiful. She has one of the most caring hearts that I have ever known. I always said one day she will go and probably not come back. Not because she didn't love or want to me with me. Just that she knows there's a big world out there and she wants to check it out. Kinda like Jenny in Forest Gump.
I believe in my heart that Hannah and I have connected on a different level then probably most. It's hard to explain. When my hair is ugly she says I'm beautiful. When my outfit isn't quite right she says I look wonderful.
I always say "Hannah's in love me" and I believe this. I am in love with her too!
Is this the relationship that the baby has with her mom? Do we share such a special bond because she's my baby?

We Mothers are learning to mark our
Mothering success by our daughters
lengthening flight
~Letty Cottin Pogrebin~

Weight

I wake up every morning and get on the scale. I know it needs to read 120. But what I know and how I feel are two different things.
It's a mind game and I play it well. Here is a sample of what it's like inside of my head.
The scale needs to say 120lbs. My nutritionist and my trainer both say 120lbs would be great. My husband says this would be good. My family says I would look good. But I like when it reads 115lbs. I step off the scale with a smile and a feel good feeling, I still weight 115lbs But I know that this isn't enough. I like it though. I know I need to get my weight up to lift more weight. I want to lift more weight. But I need to weigh more to lift more. I know, sounds crazy. Am I crazy?
The extra food I am eating must be working. This week so far I have lifted more weight than ever. I feel stronger and lots more energy. .
Wednesday I went out to dinner to have what I call a "cheat" meal. This is a meal that is not on my meal plan. But for the most part still pretty healthy. It was awesome.
This morning I weighed 117lbs. I am just going with it. Lets just hope that by Monday I'm not getting on the scale weighing in at 125. That would really mess with my head!

Alexis

My very first baby. After about 3 weeks of delivering her I wanted her to be put back.
Couldn't wait to meet my first daughter, I had all the new little outfits, all the bathing things, bottles, pacifiers, bedding. I was ready.
The first night that we brought her home I climbed into bed and was going to sleep. Her father also turned the lights out and was climbing into bed. I jumped up, turned the lights and and said "what are you doing?" "going to bed" "no you can't I am, someone has to stay up all night and watch her sleep". I mean that's what they did at the hospital. I laugh now about it, but then I was serious.
Alexis didn't sleep much her first month home, she cried a lot, the more she cried the more I cried, the only thing I knew to do was to feed her more. I was only 20 years old.
I took her to her first months check up and the nurse asked me "how is everything" I broke down and cried. She took Alexis from my arms and said "it's ok, we'll figure this out"
I was breast feeding her. After that dr. appointment I gave her her very first bottle of a special formula. She puked the whole bottle up so I made another and gave it to her. She sleep for the first time over an hour. I almost woke her up to make sure she was alive. From there on out Alexis was the best thing that ever happen to me. I was totally in love.
She was walking a little over 9 months and never stopped.
She has always been a go getter. Nothing has ever stopped her of getting what she wants.
She has such passion. Sometimes her beliefs, I didn't always agree with but was happy that she, indeed... had "passion".
She has such an old soul. I guess is what you would call it. I think she's always been a little older than her time. It suites her well. And I couldn't be more proud of her.
We have such a great relationship. We can bitch at each other one minute and be back in love the next.
I feel lucky, I guess. Everyone tells me I should. But to me it's normal and don't know any different. I have herd stories of mother's and daughters. But not mine and Alexis. I enjoy her and glad we are friends.
There came a time that I no longer had to parent her and became more of a mentor and friend to her. I love it. I feel this is the way it's suppose to be.
The time is getting closer that she will be married and not to far off from having a baby. I know this because Alexis has planned her life to a tee up till this point. I believe her plan is to have a baby in her 20's. I will be so honored to be the grandma of her babies. For the record her babies are going to call me mama not nana or grandma. haha
I don't think any little girl can grown to be the women she needs to be without the love of a mother. I feel like the daughters that fight and hate there mom's are the daughters struggling in life. Maybe not all cases but I would bet most.

Tattoo

I had this picture printed and sitting on my desk for almost 3 years before I finally did it. This is a Celtic knot that stands for the three steps in a women's life "maiden, mother and crone"

On my 43rd birthday all three of my sisters and I went to the tattoo parlor and got the same tattoo. Yes same tattoo in the same place.

After I did it I thought to myself, o my goodness what did I just do. I didn't tell my husband. Well that is not totally true. I had been telling him for years that when I turned 40 I was going to get a tattoo. He kept saying wait and we'll do it together. That just wasn't happening so I went on my own and did it. Does that count as telling him?

I did check with all 4 of my teenagers to make sure it was cool with them. I would hate to live with the thought that my kids were disappointed in me or thought it was stupid. I guess that shouldn't of mattered but it did matter to me.

That was a Wednesday night and I was leaving for Nashville the next day. I was heading south to watch Alexis run in a cross country meet (she ran for college) then onto visit Tyler in Alabama (he was a freshmen).

I was kinda freaking out the whole drive. Every time the phone rang my heart pumped a thousand times a minute. I just knew it would be my husband calling me because he herd I got a tattoo. O God what have I done???

About 3 hours out from Alabama I finally answered the phone. It was my husband "you have something to tell me?" No no nothing, why do you ask? Needless to say we didn't speak till I got home that following Monday. By this time my new tattoo was all scabbed. We didn't talk for about 2 weeks. But it passed.

Took me a little while for it to sink in, that this was a permanent mark on my body. Every once in a while I would think oops. But I like what it means and I like where it is. I even think my husband likes it he just would never say so. Typical male.

I just knew that this was something I wanted to do and I didn't want anyone to step in my way. If it was the little bit of rebel in me, then so be it. I am glad I did it.

I see lots of people with tattoo's all over there body. I wonder if they were honest with themselves do they wish they didn't have so many? I mean do they do it for the attention? Because the attention is short lived and is that why they would chose to get another and then another??? Do people get tattoo's as memory type thing? you know like when someone dies. I see lots of people with bible scriptures, I think that's pretty cool.

I am asking my husband to go with me this Valentines day to get a tattoo of some sort of wedding band around our wedding fingers. He hasn't said yes or no. I think it would be pretty cool. But we'll see.

Don't compromise yourself,

you are all you've got

~Janis Joplin~

My body hurts

My body hurts today, when I am this sore I can't help but ask myself "what the heck am I doing?"
Not sure, is my answer.
I know that I want to compete again in June of 2012. I know that I like the way my back and arms look. I secretly like when my husband calls me "bruce"(because I know he is noticing the change and I am looking stronger. This is he way of saying so). I would be lying if I said I didn't like the attention I get (so many women my age want to know what am I doing, how can I look like that, what should I eat, ect...yeah I like it who wouldn't?)
But I am 44 years old and how much is too much? Am I trying to hard to get something that I will never have? Wouldn't I and shouldn't I just be happy with the way my body is ageing naturally? Isn't a nice walk in the evenings sufficient? I don't know...
What I do know is that I am very competitive. Competitive in all aspects of my life. Always have been. That's why I've never played volleyball, golf or tennis because if I couldn't be the best then I wasn't going to do it. Even when I finally tried kickboxing. I stood at the door and watched for at least 3 weeks. I wasn't about to walk into that class and look like a fool. I started in the back and in a few months I was there early enough to get a front row spot.
I remember when I was a sophomore in high school and played softball (not for the school team, of course because I wasn't that good)a friend's mom of mine was the coach and I would tell her "tell your mom she better start me and make me 4th batter or I quit" I chuckle thinking of it. And yes of course I started and batted 4th lol.
It wasn't just sports it was the way I looked. I always and still always wanted and want to look good. I have gotten lots better with age but not healed. Looking good just doesn't mean being in shape either, I know this. I see lots of women that might be "over weight" but in my eyes they look good and happy. But are they happy? Do they just say they are happy with themselves so that they don't have to put down the wine glass, or so that they don't have to put the time in at the gym or the bike trail? If so how can I get myself to feel this way about my own body? Maybe I can't and never will. Again, I don't know and don't have the answers.
So for now I will still go to the gym to train hard with weights 5 days a week. And I will still go and enjoy zumba 2 days a week. Heck I've even set myself up to start teaching 2 days a week.

Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do
Where there is Love & Inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong
~Ella Fitzgerald~

Broken Hearted

When I started to blog a few weeks back I said to myself that I would not blog about my daughter and her challenges in life.

Today my blog, hopefully will be more of what I've been through and how it has effected me.

I think it's only fair to whom reads this that I am honest and able to describe what a mother goes through when she has a alcoholic and drug addicted daughter.

I was young when I married and had 4 kids 4 and under at the age of 24.

I always had a very close relationship with all of my children. Even though we went threw a period of separation we were able to adapt and over come. Wasn't always easy but it was what it was.

When the kids started into high school I started to let go a little and let them start to make some of their own decisions and choices. I felt it was best for them to learn that to make choices there are always consequences. They were teenagers so I knew there would be mistakes and bad choices made. But I wanted them to mess up while living at home so that I was there to help clean it up. Right? I didn't want them to try and figure this all out while away at college where they were totally alone and on there own. With the hopes that they would learn from there mistakes and go forward with life.

This seem to be true all except for my daughter Kelsey.

This girl of mine was the world to me. She was the soccer star, she was a walking beauty, she was so loving, seemed she had everything in life that a young women could want.

I spent a lot of time with her. From her freshmen year till the summer before her senior year I thought all was great. We spent many of hours on the road traveling to soccer tournaments and camps. Spent ton's of money on cleats, shin guards, shorts, socks, tape, ect...soccer seem to be what made her happy and that made me happy. I felt we were close and really had a good relationship. We would go together with other girls to dinner's, dances, shopping. We would share her heart break over boys and help her through girly stuff when it came to girls...We would take a short nap together almost everyday after school in my room in my bed. It was always really warm in my room because of the sun beaming through my window. Sometimes our naps were short due to either soccer practice or soccer games. Sometimes longer because she was just wore out.

The summer before her senior year I had a feeling something was changing in her but just wasn't sure. Something in me was changing too.

It wasn't a good change, I didn't like who I was becoming nor how I was feeling. Something was wrong with my baby and I could not put my finger on it.

I started searching, digging, snooping, lying, tricking, deceiving...I had to figure out what was wrong at all cost. Nothing could of stopped me.

I found a letter, it was hard to read, the hand writing was rough but when I took it to my girlfriend to read, and she was able to make out a few words I knew I was trouble. I discovered that my daughter was taking pills. This on top of drinking and blacking out.

I tried to put it off and talk myself into thinking it was just normal teenage stuff. But when it started slapping me in the face I had no choice but to do something about it.

In November of 2006 her father and I decided to send her to rehab. Not to take anything from anyone who has ever truly lost a child but I felt that a part of me died and the daughter that I thought I had, I had no more.

The first 30 days she was gone I was suppose to rejuvenate, I was suppose to catch up on lost sleep, I was suppose to enjoy my other children whom probably thought I had forgotten about them. What I was suppose to do and what I did were two different things. I think I put on a good front for the rest of my family. But deep down inside of me I was a mess. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep, I let me physical and emotional being fall apart. My soul was lost.

Funny that she would think I enjoyed sending her away, or that I enjoyed seeing her miserable. Funny that she would think i went on with my life and blocked her out.

After 4 years her life still seems to be the same but mine is not.

I started out going to Alanon meetings. But that didn't work for me. Women in there bitching about their husbands, men complaing about their wife's or their parents. When it was my turn to talk boy did I talk. "I don't care about your husband, tell him to get the fuck out, I don't care that your grown mother is an Alcoholic, dis own her. But you all want me to "tough love" my daughter. She is my responsibility. You all don't understand, this is my daughter I can't put her out." needless to say I never went back.

Going to church really helped me to "let it go" helped me to believe that her choices were not my fault. Also helped me to realize that no matter what I did or didn't do, it wasn't going to change. This was a big step for me. But it sure has made my life better.

I also started pouring myself into working out. I remember my first kickboxing class. When I stopped crying, kicking, punching and looked around and everyone else in class had moved on to something else. I realized it was a huge break through for me and it was time to move on. Yes it is kinda funny when I think back when that happened.

Today I have a great relationship with my other kids and I believe they have forgiven me for that short period where I was lost.

For Kelsey, she still going down the same path but I have excepted her for who she is. I love her and will always love her and glad that at least I do still get the chance to tell her I love her. I know in my heart that the day she has her first baby she will know and understand my love. I will wait for as long as it takes. She will always be my baby girl.

Thanks to my sister Cassie, my husband Donnie and my close friend's Jeanineand Kim and my family. With out their love and support and listening to my shit everyday, letting me cry, and just being there for me I wouldn't of been able to make it.

Date change

In my blog last night I stated that my son was born in June 1991 that would be my baby Hannah's year. Tyler was born on June 14, 1990

Mom and Son realtionship

In March of 1990 I was told that I was going to have a baby boy. I already had 2 little girls. My thoughts "what will I do with a boy? what will I be able to teach a boy? I don't have any boy clothes and all the toys we had were barbies and not going to lie I loved playing barbies".
I was raised with 3 sisters. Feeling most of my growing up days that I was a "tom boy". Playing sports, running the neighborhood, getting into fights, wearing nothing but jeans, t-shirts and converse gym shoes.
June 14, 1991 was here and my baby boy was born. Tyler Andrew King. He was fat. Now I knew that girls and boys were different but my god not almost 3lbs different, but o'well he was cute.
I wasn't sure how things were going to work out as we took him home to live basically in a female house hold except for his dad of course.
There were times when you'd catch Ty-Man (as the girls quickly named him) in pink pj's and maybe a pink pacifier. But wasn't long before the girls were upset because there barbies had no heads, because the toilet seat was up, and when the girls had there hair all pretty he would run his hands through it and then run to hide.
Tyler was never hard to find all you had to do was look at my feet. Tyler stayed around my ankles from morning till night. He loved for me to hold him or sit on the couch with him to watch the Power Rangers.
He quickly grow up when his father and I separated and they, without me moved to Batesville IN. He was the man in charge while dad had to go to work everyday. (I wasn't around and someday when I feel the time is right I will go into detail, still hard after all this time...tearing up thinking about it)
Any how my son and I did our best to remain close.
Tyler and his sisters moved back to Loveland to share a life with me. He was going into the 4th grade.
So life goes on. Tyler was always happy and a go lucky kinda kid.
His sophomore year in high school i noticed big changes. His sister was making some bad choices, his first heart break, and struggling in school. It wasn't easy but he pulled through. I felt lucky enough to be there with him through it.
I couldn't love him or feel any closer to anyone else in the world. I am super proud of him and love our relationship. I mean how many mom's can say that there son tells them they love them daily? He has such a special place in my heart.
If you don't share such a special bond with the son in your life you are missing out. Do what you can to change that because it is one of the best feelings in the whole world. I promise you that.