My body hurts

My body hurts today, when I am this sore I can't help but ask myself "what the heck am I doing?"
Not sure, is my answer.
I know that I want to compete again in June of 2012. I know that I like the way my back and arms look. I secretly like when my husband calls me "bruce"(because I know he is noticing the change and I am looking stronger. This is he way of saying so). I would be lying if I said I didn't like the attention I get (so many women my age want to know what am I doing, how can I look like that, what should I eat, ect...yeah I like it who wouldn't?)
But I am 44 years old and how much is too much? Am I trying to hard to get something that I will never have? Wouldn't I and shouldn't I just be happy with the way my body is ageing naturally? Isn't a nice walk in the evenings sufficient? I don't know...
What I do know is that I am very competitive. Competitive in all aspects of my life. Always have been. That's why I've never played volleyball, golf or tennis because if I couldn't be the best then I wasn't going to do it. Even when I finally tried kickboxing. I stood at the door and watched for at least 3 weeks. I wasn't about to walk into that class and look like a fool. I started in the back and in a few months I was there early enough to get a front row spot.
I remember when I was a sophomore in high school and played softball (not for the school team, of course because I wasn't that good)a friend's mom of mine was the coach and I would tell her "tell your mom she better start me and make me 4th batter or I quit" I chuckle thinking of it. And yes of course I started and batted 4th lol.
It wasn't just sports it was the way I looked. I always and still always wanted and want to look good. I have gotten lots better with age but not healed. Looking good just doesn't mean being in shape either, I know this. I see lots of women that might be "over weight" but in my eyes they look good and happy. But are they happy? Do they just say they are happy with themselves so that they don't have to put down the wine glass, or so that they don't have to put the time in at the gym or the bike trail? If so how can I get myself to feel this way about my own body? Maybe I can't and never will. Again, I don't know and don't have the answers.
So for now I will still go to the gym to train hard with weights 5 days a week. And I will still go and enjoy zumba 2 days a week. Heck I've even set myself up to start teaching 2 days a week.

Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do
Where there is Love & Inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong
~Ella Fitzgerald~