Broken Hearted

When I started to blog a few weeks back I said to myself that I would not blog about my daughter and her challenges in life.

Today my blog, hopefully will be more of what I've been through and how it has effected me.

I think it's only fair to whom reads this that I am honest and able to describe what a mother goes through when she has a alcoholic and drug addicted daughter.

I was young when I married and had 4 kids 4 and under at the age of 24.

I always had a very close relationship with all of my children. Even though we went threw a period of separation we were able to adapt and over come. Wasn't always easy but it was what it was.

When the kids started into high school I started to let go a little and let them start to make some of their own decisions and choices. I felt it was best for them to learn that to make choices there are always consequences. They were teenagers so I knew there would be mistakes and bad choices made. But I wanted them to mess up while living at home so that I was there to help clean it up. Right? I didn't want them to try and figure this all out while away at college where they were totally alone and on there own. With the hopes that they would learn from there mistakes and go forward with life.

This seem to be true all except for my daughter Kelsey.

This girl of mine was the world to me. She was the soccer star, she was a walking beauty, she was so loving, seemed she had everything in life that a young women could want.

I spent a lot of time with her. From her freshmen year till the summer before her senior year I thought all was great. We spent many of hours on the road traveling to soccer tournaments and camps. Spent ton's of money on cleats, shin guards, shorts, socks, tape, ect...soccer seem to be what made her happy and that made me happy. I felt we were close and really had a good relationship. We would go together with other girls to dinner's, dances, shopping. We would share her heart break over boys and help her through girly stuff when it came to girls...We would take a short nap together almost everyday after school in my room in my bed. It was always really warm in my room because of the sun beaming through my window. Sometimes our naps were short due to either soccer practice or soccer games. Sometimes longer because she was just wore out.

The summer before her senior year I had a feeling something was changing in her but just wasn't sure. Something in me was changing too.

It wasn't a good change, I didn't like who I was becoming nor how I was feeling. Something was wrong with my baby and I could not put my finger on it.

I started searching, digging, snooping, lying, tricking, deceiving...I had to figure out what was wrong at all cost. Nothing could of stopped me.

I found a letter, it was hard to read, the hand writing was rough but when I took it to my girlfriend to read, and she was able to make out a few words I knew I was trouble. I discovered that my daughter was taking pills. This on top of drinking and blacking out.

I tried to put it off and talk myself into thinking it was just normal teenage stuff. But when it started slapping me in the face I had no choice but to do something about it.

In November of 2006 her father and I decided to send her to rehab. Not to take anything from anyone who has ever truly lost a child but I felt that a part of me died and the daughter that I thought I had, I had no more.

The first 30 days she was gone I was suppose to rejuvenate, I was suppose to catch up on lost sleep, I was suppose to enjoy my other children whom probably thought I had forgotten about them. What I was suppose to do and what I did were two different things. I think I put on a good front for the rest of my family. But deep down inside of me I was a mess. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep, I let me physical and emotional being fall apart. My soul was lost.

Funny that she would think I enjoyed sending her away, or that I enjoyed seeing her miserable. Funny that she would think i went on with my life and blocked her out.

After 4 years her life still seems to be the same but mine is not.

I started out going to Alanon meetings. But that didn't work for me. Women in there bitching about their husbands, men complaing about their wife's or their parents. When it was my turn to talk boy did I talk. "I don't care about your husband, tell him to get the fuck out, I don't care that your grown mother is an Alcoholic, dis own her. But you all want me to "tough love" my daughter. She is my responsibility. You all don't understand, this is my daughter I can't put her out." needless to say I never went back.

Going to church really helped me to "let it go" helped me to believe that her choices were not my fault. Also helped me to realize that no matter what I did or didn't do, it wasn't going to change. This was a big step for me. But it sure has made my life better.

I also started pouring myself into working out. I remember my first kickboxing class. When I stopped crying, kicking, punching and looked around and everyone else in class had moved on to something else. I realized it was a huge break through for me and it was time to move on. Yes it is kinda funny when I think back when that happened.

Today I have a great relationship with my other kids and I believe they have forgiven me for that short period where I was lost.

For Kelsey, she still going down the same path but I have excepted her for who she is. I love her and will always love her and glad that at least I do still get the chance to tell her I love her. I know in my heart that the day she has her first baby she will know and understand my love. I will wait for as long as it takes. She will always be my baby girl.

Thanks to my sister Cassie, my husband Donnie and my close friend's Jeanineand Kim and my family. With out their love and support and listening to my shit everyday, letting me cry, and just being there for me I wouldn't of been able to make it.